He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
