uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
