This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So vagazzling was a success
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
