Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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