if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
