Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
should my penis look like a turkey
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
