Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
