Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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