i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
