i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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