I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
