I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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