Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
