Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
