There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Randomize
