if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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