The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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