as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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