I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
