I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
