never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
