you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he was CRYING into my vagina
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
