Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
