Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
