When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
