I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
