peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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