I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
