It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
