the new term for farting is butt boxing.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
