Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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