Just fell off a train. Bad.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
