I have demons in me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
