new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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