the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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