My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
