Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
