I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
