Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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