Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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