i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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