I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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