I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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