the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
