I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
