The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
