you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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