My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
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1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.