He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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