Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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