he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
