Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
