Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
