woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
