11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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