My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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