Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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