We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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