what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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