Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
